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sometimes, your way disappears in the mist,

sometimes, you think that you can't go on

in times like these it is good to know that there is SOMEONE, who understands ...

How GOD works

... and he is not yet through with me

Or what will a man give in exchange for his soul?

(Matthew 16:26)

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I was born at 24th of August in 1960 as the second of three daughters in the southern part of Germany. Though I grew up in a small village and a neat home I became quite rebellious and knotty in my teenage years. I’m afraid I gave my dear mom –a simple but very godly little lady with a big, gentle heart- quite some sleepless nights and caused lots of heartache and tears … With my dad –a rather dominant and rigid personality- I was on absolute collision course during my wild years. Thanks be to GOD, I never touched drugs or any other harmful substances nor got involved in any criminal acts, though I started smoking at a very early age, skipped class and did lots of other nonsense. But GOD was so faithful even though I did not want to have anything to do with HIM at times, so HE protected and kept me safe in this danger zone.

At the age of 14 I met Ralf, and from that time on we were inseparable. We got married four days before Christmas in 1978. I was 18; Ralf was 24 and had joined the army a few years before. I myself had just finished my studies and worked for the garment industry. Later in 1989 – Ralf meanwhile had left the army after 10 years and had finished his studies and was now an Engineer for Textile and Garment Manufacturing - we both decided to work abroad, because that was the thing to do if one would want work his way up and get to the top. So we packed our things into a large container and our dogs into airfreight-boxes, and off we went to Zimbabwe to manage a textile mill and garment factory. We both were on our way up, up, up. The following years took us half around the globe – from Zimbabwe to Cairo, Vienna, Hong Kong, Manila, Tunis … we were invited to fly for job interviews to Kuwait and to Jordan … Nothing seemed to stop us now anymore. Pretty soon we agreed that our lifestyle and our career plans would not be compatible with having children and building a family, at least at this moment in time. A few years later it was clear to us that our career is more important to us and that there is definitely no room for children and family, driven by egotism and materialism, the so-called “good life”. Finally, in January 1996 we had reached the summit – we happened to be in charge of a large factory in Manila, belonging to the world market leader in lingerie and underwear with more than 30.000 employees worldwide, we managing 1.500 workers. Our career and lifestyle had become our idols, our gods, and our golden calf, worth every sacrifice. Finally, nothing else did exist for us anymore. We worked 7 days a week, had everything man could ask for, lived on 350 square meters with marble floors, pool and garden, pampered by maids in white uniforms, gardener, a driver … you name it …Finally we were satisfied and happy – at the surface …At the outside everything looked polished and in order. In reality we were so deeply caught up in our work that at first we silently lost all our friends, later we nearly lost touch with our families, and at the end we lost ourselves. We slowly died inside, and there was absolutely nothing we could hold against it. We ruled over 1.500 people but were unable to run our own life. All that counts in life, all what adds purpose and value to man’s life, all that guarantees inner strength, security and satisfaction, fell apart and broke into pieces before our very eyes. And nothing seemed to be able to stop that destructive course of decay.  On the contrary - the harder we tried to change the course and safe ourselves, the more miserable we failed, and our desperate attempts even seemed to make things worse.  At the end, everything was in ruins. Our life and our marriage was nothing but anguish and pain. Unkind arguments took turns with deadly indifference. In the end each of us went into his own direction whereby the other was nothing but yet in the way. The situation became unbearable and hopeless, and nothing but the mutual career kept us together. But the vacuum that we all carry inside, the space that wants to be filled with GOD, did hurt more and more without us knowing what was missing in our life. It is impossible to find words to describe the spiritual misery and emotional despair we were in. One night – it was April the 8^th in 1998 - I had reached the height of despair and anguish. I sat on the steps in our bathroom and cried my heart out – I had gained the whole world and was just about to lose my soul, nearly dead inside. Suddenly it dawned on me that nothing of value or importance would remain if I would now skip the high paid and powerful position, burn the banknotes and take away the villa including the stuff and staff. I started to understand that I had sacrificed my marriage (that broke through year-long neglect), my children (who never had the chance to be born), my family and friends (who’s faithfulness and patience I had abused for such a long time), and – my faith (for I always knew that God does exist, since I was a little girl) at the altar of materialism and power. I was living a life that did not impact anything or anyone, it was of no significance whatsoever. If I would die today, I would not leave any legacy, not even a trace … Above all was I also at the outer limits of my physical strength – 12/7 can’t remain without consequences …

In my great despair and wretchedness I cried out to the LORD and pleaded with HIM that HE either take me out of this world or take the broken pieces and the gravel of my life into HIS hands for I knew that I had made a mess out of it myself and that it was beyond my ability to get it right myself. Suddenly the veil lifted and I clearly saw all my very own shortcomings and omissions, for the first time I could see clearly where I went wrong, how badly I had wasted what I was entrusted with, and how worthless all that I had achieved was. My whole inner being was shaken and I was deeply distressed and shocked into the marrow of my soul. All I could do was repenting and asking the LORD’S forgiveness. Immediately, within a blink of an eye I felt an absolute perfect and deep peace, and my tormented soul was completely still and at rest. I had the assurance that from now on GOD would lead my life in HIS own way, knowing that HE would do only what’s best for me. I did not have a clue how that would look like and what would happen to my marriage. But I knew that from now on HE was in charge and that now everything would be alright.

Now I had reached my destination – HOME at last.

From that moment on I was an entirely other person, totally transformed. Things that were greatly important before did not count any longer. What has been boring was now suddenly of utter significance. What I wanted to know most was how can man please GOD. I just wanted to be the way GOD wanted me to be, I longed to fill GOD’s heart with joy over me and no longer grief HIM and make HIM feel sorry that HE had made me. Only days earlier I stood under enormous pressure and permanent stress. And now, an unshakable peace and calmness had filled me, that was beyond everything I had ever experienced before, and that I could not explain. Only much, much later did I understand what exactly took place on that bathroom steps at that 8^th of April

I was born again

One week later, at April the 15^th 1998, Ralf gave his life to Jesus Christ. As soon as Ralf also had taken that step, GOD literally within a moment took up the thousands of bits and pieces of our broken marriage and mould them back together to a gorgeous, new vessel. Injuries at our souls got healed, our hardened hearts softened. It took HIM just a moment to erase anger, ignorance and discord, and to replace it with a deep, deep love for one another, with reverence, trust and harmony. HE performed a grand miracle at us and our marriage. We left the Philippines a few weeks later for good and allowed ourselves a long time-out. During that time we lived on our savings and rebuilt and renovated our house from the basement up to the roof. New friendships developed and slowly but surely we re-animated the relationship to our families.Just some days after arriving back in Germany I “stumbled over” Transworld Radio. That station accompanied us from now on daily and GOD allowed us to learn so much about our new faith. We were mightily blessed through such excellent teachers like for instance Chuck Swindoll, John MacArthur, Charles Stanley, Michael Youssef, Adrian Rogers, David Pawson… to name a few …With the ear at the radio and the eye on the bible we had begun to explore the Word of GOD and to grow in our faith. I gratefully praise HIM till today for such great blessing and grace. We devoured the heard like two starving … Not only did we receive ETERNAL LIFE but also that time of exploration and learning and maturing … isn’t our GOD just incredible, marvelous, great, lovely, awesome … ?! No words can describe HIM !!! HE really did restore the years that the locusts have eaten …  

“So I will restore to you the years that the swarming locust has eaten” (Joel 2:25)

***

It was just a matter of time until we had to answer the call to serve such a great GOD full term. That is why we finally took a step of faith and ended our secular career to go to the mission field. November 01st 2003 we finally said our last „goodbye“ to the garment industry and arrived back home from the last country we worked as factory managers –Tunisia- to undergo preparation and training for our full term assignment for the LORD in Haifa, Israel. But then November 22nd in 2004 came, and with that day, also the vicious diagnose for Ralf – Cancer of the lung. What followed the next months was chemotheraphie and surgery. After the tumor could have been forced back for about 60% through chemo, the upper lobe of the left lung got removed. Ralf recovered from that severe surgery amazingly quickly and we both were full of hope and couldn’t wait to get out to the mission field, since there was the strong drawing to the Holy Land and serve our LORD there. Whatever the doctors asked us to do, we obeyed and Ralf carried his heavy burden so bravely without moaning, groaning and complaints, no matter how bad it was, and it often WAS bad, really bad …! Suddenly, after all seemed to look so very good after the successful surgery, the metastases came. First they creaped into the bones of his hip and spine, then into the brain. Finally, the primary tumor returned. Much more aggressive and vile than at the first time, it defiled itself into Ralfs body and did grow so rapidly fast that Ralf could survive only barely 4 weeks longer. About 5 days before he went to be with the LORD, they found at least one large metastasis in the liver as I could read from the doctor’s reports. However, they haven’t told us this anymore. Last summer, at July 13^th 2005 shortly before 10 pm my beloved Ralf died at Schillerhoehe Clinic near Stuttgart. He suffocated in my arms, holding on tightly to that little wooden cross...  we knew each other since I was 14, and we were married more than 26 years of which the last seven years – the years after we surrendered our lives and ourselves to Jesus Christ – were the most wonderful and happiest years of my entire live. Not for a moment did we make the illness our “private affair” but mobilized each and everyone we could think of directly after receiving the bad news from the doctor. Not after long a large group of people prayed for us – in Germany and in 14 other countries around the globe. People joined that chain of faith and prayer whom we never have met before nor did we even know them personally. I can not put into words how much we felt cared for and carried through during the entire months of illness, hope and confidence were our constant companions prayed us through, and oftentimes in the midst of hardship and adversity we felt such deep, deep peace and unspeakable joy in our LORD that our heart and mouth just did overflow: GOD knows how much we would have loved to go for HIM to HIS beloved Israel, and now we became HIS servants in our own land – in the doctor’s offices, the treatment rooms, waiting rooms, clinic corridors, in the taxi on the way to radio therapy, in the ambulance when transferred from one hospital to another, in the hospital ward, … etc. 

It may sound strange to the most of you, but those 8 months of intense suffering and agony turned into a great blessing for us ( .. and if you could see me now while I am writing about these times, you could see a smile on my face …) I believe that I loved my dear Ralf deeper and stronger on every day his infirmity went on – and so did his love grow purer and greater. 

Ralf always used to say that for him, his case will take a good ending anyway, and that he would be on the winner’s side no matter what. Either would he get back on his feet (even though the LORD would allow a remain of a sting in the flesh in form of being dependent on bottled oxygen for the rest of his life and much reduced physical capacity and activity), or else, he would go home to the FATHER soon, to be with JESUS forever.

We both were hoping that GOD would grant us a few years more together but finally, GOD had other plans. I am happy for Ralf that he can dwell now where we all long to be some day. I did not loose him, no, he just went ahead of me, has changed his residence, moved from the ground floor to the top floor without taking a suitcase with him. In a way I can understand the LORD full well that HE wanted to have my Ralf around HIM and therefore already has taken him away so early, but I unspeakably suffer the loss, and the word “they shall become one flesh” has now completely new dimension for me. We indeed grew together to such unity that I still feel as if one part of me has been torn away, leaving a large open gaping wound that starts to heal now very, very slowly. I still miss him terribly. Every single day.

Set me as a seal upon your heart,

As a seal upon your arm;

For love is as strong as death,

Jealousy as cruel as the grave;

Its flames are flames of fire,

A most vehement flame.

Many waters cannot quench love,

Nor can the floods drown it.

If a man would give for love

All the wealth of his house,

“We know, that we have passed from death to life.”

And because GOD gave it to me in writing through HIS Word, the Bible, I can rest in that comforting assurance that we shall meet again! 

Despite all that hardship am I so richly blessed, and if I would want to name my blessings all, one by one, there would be an endless list … Also that I am still standing, telling you about it so freely and openly is for me such a great gift for it is such a blessing if one can open his heart in front of others bearing witness of GODS grace and goodness and loving-kindness.  Above all, knowing to be connected with brothers and sisters in the Lord, and therefore at once and first sight sensing this unique, unexplainable intimacy that is more than just friendship… that amazes me and make me rejoice over and again … It may again sound strange to some, but the time of suffering and also the time after Ralf was gone to be with the LORD became such a great blessing to me, and by no means I would want to miss that passionate and heartbreaking period of time in my life,  that in the midst of all that sorrow and pain was yet filled to the overflow with so much joy, laughter and grace. That time has formed me, shaped me, sharpened me, strengthened me – and has brought me very, very near to the LORD my GOD. Not only is HE FATHER, BROTHER, SAVIOR, ADVISOR, COMFORTER, LOVER OF MY SOUL, PHYSICIAN and HELPER, but above all, HE became my VERY BEST FRIEND.

 Often, GOD allows us to go through such severe pain, so that we run and seek shelter under HIS wings when there is nowhere else comfort to be found. And so HE allows us to draw nearer, closer to HIM. That is GRACE – wouldn’t you agree ???

Treasures in the dark … as it is describes so beautifully in Isaja 45:3, so that we know that HE, and HE alone is GOD ….

Now, the very first year without my beloved Ralf lays behind me. Christmas, Easter, Pentecost, and also all seasons … birthdays and family gatherings, and the Golden wedding anniversary of my parents … I could make it – somehow … and more often than not it was HIM who pulled me trough, and it were my beloved brothers and sisters in Christ who prayed me through. I am full of excitement to learn, how my life shall continue, what plan HE has for my life.  It will be a fascinating journey to walk through live with the LORD on my side, that’s for sure! And who knows anyway, if we will not be taken away pretty soon … I am looking forward to it. Do you? I often marvel about it when visiting Ralf’s grave, how it would be if just now the graves would open – for I do not stand on a graveyard but on a resurrection ground!!!

 And God shall wipe away all tears from their eyes; and there shall be no more death, neither sorrow, nor crying, neither shall there be any more pain: for the former things are passed away.” 

- Revelation 21:4 -

 YouTube

     

 

The Path - Herbert Grönemeyer

I have no more vision,
don’t trust my eyesight,
have hardly some faith left in me,
The emotions spinning around.

I am much too lethargic,
yet, it would be too early
to yield,
because somehow
there always seems to be a way.

We were united,
would have died one for another,
bowed the rain,
borrowed trust.

We have tried
to turn during schuss,
too late for nothing,
but a lot came much too early.

We pushed each other
through all tides,
frittering away ourselves,
so desperately in love.

We denied the truth
as good as we could.
It was a piece of heaven,
that you exist.

Each room did you
Flood with sunshine,
Each trouble did you
turn into the opposite.
Of Nordic noblesse
Your gentle kindness,
Your untamed pride,
Life isn’t fair.

The motion picture danced
in a silver room,
from the golden balcony
marvelled in awe over eternity.

Utterly consumed, elevated
everything was allowed,
together in quick motion -
Midsummer night dream.

 

Each room did you
Flood with sunshine,
Each trouble did you
turn into the opposite.
Of Nordic noblesse
Your gentle kindness,
Your untamed pride,
Life isn’t fair.

Your unwavering walk,
your authentic poetry,
your cheerful dignity,
your unshakable destiny.

You firmly withstood fate.
You have never betrayed
your blueprint for joy,
your blueprint for joy.

I will not depart from here,
my deadline extended.
New journey in time,
wide world.

I keep you safely
in my soul,
carry you within me
until the last curtain falls,
carry you within me
until the last curtain falls.

However, I know that my dear FATHER is sovereign and in full control, and that HE knows exactly what HE is doing. In due course HE shall let me know HIS plans and shall guide me which way to go. And I shall obey.  

 

January 2006

 

...

... MY LIFE ... Every Moment Counts

 

 

 

Yes, I shall obey. I did, when I went to China, arriving here in Guangzhou at 09th of June this year (2006)…. 

 

Actually I have always problems with swollen legs after long-distance flights, but usually after 2 – 3 days all is back to normal. So, not this time. I first tried to bravely ignore the problem. After that I opted for making it plausible to myself with explanations such as “the strong heat” or “I didn’t drink enough water” etc. Finally, I went for athletic activism (Ester becoming an athletic … whoever knows me well is now in for a good laugh … ;-)...). Nothing worked. The problem went from bad to worse.  

Finally, my legs were swollen up so badly that I had trouble walking even.

 

After 3 weeks I had to do something, whether I liked it or not. So I went to the hospital in Foshan. The doctor examined me thoroughly and suggested that I should stay for a week to make a number of tests for he was certain of a serious problem in my inner body. Of course did I vehemently refuse … Chinese government hospitals are not very inviting to westerners … Reluctantly they accepted me as an out-patient and started the first test and I got a prescribed drug to drain the large amount of excess liquid out of my body.  

The medicine worked quite well, but after 10 days the problem returned and was even worse than before.

Now I started to really get alarmed because in this condition I would have been unable to take a long-distance flight back home and I said to myself: “now you are stranded in China with a maybe severe health problem…” That’s when I learned about CanAm International Medical Center, here in Guangzhou.

I got an appointment at once for Wednesday 12th of July.

Also there I was examined very thoroughly and had to explain my “history” incl. my former rather unhealthy lifestyle. And again, I was told that I have a serious health problem, and that there might be one of the three possible causes for these enormous water accumulations:

 

(1) heart insufficiency 

(2) acute kidney failure

(3) cancer of the lung 

 

At once my doctor started the tests, such as resting ECG, treadmill-ECG, blood-screens, urine tests … and after both ECGs showed a very good performance of the heart I was immediately sent to a hospital to have a CT-scan done to check closer on my blood vessels to/from my heart. 

At 06:30 pm that day I was back in my apartment –absolutely exhausted and tired, feeling lonely and miserable. The following day, at the 13th of July, I had to be there again at 05:00 pm to receive the results of the blood- and urine tests, and the result of the CT-scan. I tried to concentrate on my work as good as I could – I had already planned to do just paper-work that day…. because that 13th of July was the first return of the day Ralf went to be with the LORD … 

 

Rejoice!  My heart is in pretty good shape and works well, both my kidneys function like clockwork, blood-counts and urine testing all excellent …. But the pictures of my lung showed findings …  the left upper part of my lung is diagnosed with chronic pneumonia  … and …… further it says ….

 

quote 

“a small growth, with well-defined margins, 0,4 cm in size is revealed in the back segment of the right inferior lobe” 

unquote

 

I looked at my watch – it was exactly 05:20 pm.

... at 13th of July 2005 at 05:20 p.m. the doctor told me that Ralf would have to die within the next hours

 

… at 13th of July 2005 at 08:00 p.m. the death process started – exactly one year later, at 08:00 pm the first missiles fell on the city of Haifa

 

I was advised to go to Hong Kong to have a bronchoscopy and biopsy done.  I asked if we could first have a PET-scan done (today’s state-of-the-art method to spot even tiny tumours and metastasis) because my doctor was unable to tell if this might be a primary tumour or a metastasis.

I needed, however, clarity since over the past few months my eyesight declined and I knew that lung cancer spreads also into the brain. Could it therefore be possible that already something is there and presses on my optic nerve? And how about my bones, my lymphatic system and all the other organs?  

I needed certainty.

Twenty past seven I was home and could yet make it to join the prayer group that meet every other week on Thursdays. The brothers and sisters zealously and fervently prayed over me and pleaded with the LORD for healing and restoration. Never ever did I experience something like that before … That night I didn’t sleep but I was not on my own for even one minute. Until morning dawned there were friends by my side, that I would never have expected to stand by me in such a situation. Some of them I met only a few days before via the internet on a Christian platform, and one I met even only a few hours before tragedy struck! Never would I have expected support from that direction … but GOD is the one who decides whom HE wants to appoint to be HIS servants and helpers to place around one of HIS children in need, holding hands and holding out. Through hours-long chat and internet-calls I received comfort and calm. With some I prayed at the phone, some just listened. I was allowed to cry, was allowed to be frightened, and was allowed to go through all facets, from dread to hope, not being alone for even one single moment. Next morning I went to the

„PET-CT Multifunctional Imaging Center of the Headquarters Hospital of Armed Police of Guang Dong“

for my PET-scan … I was completely calm and at peace when pushed into the narrow tunnel, and while the injection with the radioactive substance had to spread throughout my body for 45-60 minutes, I was even able to slumber a bit.  I had, however, to wait for the results until the following Monday. 

So, the weekend was like a dream. Completely unreal.  

I mentally and emotionally prepared to tear down my tent here and go back to Germany to start therapy and to settle my estate. Through Ralf's cancer I know that with lung cancer the prognoses are very bad. 80 percent of the patients will not survive the first 5 years after being diagnosed. So I sat before Ralf's photo and started to enjoy the thought to meet him again soon. And yet, I was terrified what I might have to go through, I remembered it full well since I went through it with Ralf already for eight endless months. Only, I was at his side.  I however, would have to go through all this all by myself ... all alone. That really scared the life out of me ... Also through that harsh weekend I was hardly alone for one minute, though I did not have the stamina to go to church that Sunday. GOD took care that there always was someone by my side to talk to, even if only virtual or by phone! In that intense situation I once again did experience how far GODs grace reaches and how faithfully GOD takes care of HIS own, how HE touches and softens the hearts of HIS children to be there for one in need, how HIS caring love is reaching us, streaming through HIS servants, our fellow believers, making them HIS instruments. Then, Monday came. Dr Nathan met me on the corridor already. With good news! On the PET-scan pictures nothing was to be found anymore. The dreadful growth was gone. He had discussed the pictures of the PET and the CT already with 3 radiologists because he is a general practitioner only. All came to the same result. The growth was no longer to be found on the pictures of the PET-scan. The chief radiologist's report from the „PET-CT Multifunctional Imaging Center of the Headquarters Hospital of Armed Police of Guang Dong“ says

-Quote - 

 “All organs, the brain, the bones, the muscles, the lymphatic system, the thyroid gland, the breasts, liver, gall bladder, stomach, pancreas, spleen, the intestines, kidneys, uterus, ovary and bladder are clear and free of cancer, no abnormalities were found.” 

- Unquote - 

 

Yet, a COPD (Chronic Obstructive Pulmonary Disease), an irreversible “smokers” disease shall remain for me as a constant reminder of my bad lifestyle in the past. However, the COPD is mild and in its initial stage, and if I am careful I might not get a serious life threatening problem, though. I gladly take it from the MASTER’s hand as my “sting in the flesh” that reminds me how fragile we are and how easily it can be all over if GOD decides that our time is up … 

 

I made an appointment with the chief radiologist of the „PET-CT Multifunctional Imaging Center of the Headquarters Hospital of Armed Police of Guang Dong“. I went there with both, the pictures and the medical reports of the PET and the CT and asked him to once again explain everything to me. Not that I would not trust GOD in this, but I wanted to talk to the specialist myself. I wanted to be very sure that I am healed before writing that report.

 

And now I know – I am! 

 

Thrilling to be on the way with GOD, even though it sometimes hurts very, very much to be refined through fire. But isn’t it comforting and assuring to know that when we go through the fire, HE has HIS hand at the thermostat and keeps HIS eye fixed on the clock?  

***

The fruit of your life grow only, after the plow is gone through your land.

- Henry Nouwen -

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and this is just the beginning .... !!!

Interested in how GOD's incredible plan with me continues? Then go to the blog-page "Ester's Diary" and read for yourself ...

... see the posting of 23.12.2006 (my Newsletter of 23.07.2006)
find out, why clinics in China are better than you might thought till now,
learn how GOD sent one of HIS children half around the globe,
apparently just to reveal a horrifying truth,
but same time pour out unspeakable blessings to the overflow.

go to the next page and be amazed ....

 

***

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For Compliments and Complaints, or simply a little Comment contact:

livepost-warmumsherz@yahoo.de

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